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  • Emilene Anna

Grief

Grief We all have had those moments where time stands still. Where it seems darkness fills your days and the tunnel is forever long. We fight to appear to make the pain seem copeable. We give everything we got to wake up in the morning and continue. It literally feels like life itself has ended but you know it hasn’t it, it won’t. You know in your right mind, people have it worse, this heart break happens every day, so your grief seems silly. Silly it would hurt this bad. There is no limit and comparison for grief. Grief hits like a lightning bolt everyday, all day. In all forms. There is no “acceptable “ way to cope. No time scale for each situation. All you know is life as you know is gone. Ripped away and your left with you. Only you.

Hearing the words” I don’t love you anymore “ after 9 years of loving. What is Love ? What is unconditional love? Can you not be in love but love still? What does that even mean? How is ones love measurable? My heart hurt. Bad. It literally felt like I was stabbed. I was given up on. I was traded. I was replaceable. I was a burden. I was not enough. I was not smart enough. I was not daring enough. I was not funny enough. I simply was not. Not enough anymore. Until... you have a strong urge to Beg, Bargain, pleas, pray, cry, and scream to the universe/god for help. You may not think your faith is strong enough to have miracles occur. You may think you haven’t went to Sunday mass or you haven’t proclaimed a destined religion. You may think your not worthy of healing and gods miracles.

In my moment, I was in fetal position, crying uncontrollably, sobbing. In my pleading I “heard” the words and said them over and over!

I seek your love, I’ll give your love, I am your love. I seek your love, I’ll give your love, I am your love.

I said it over and over.

In the most memorable moment, time stood still. I felt the darkness lift off, i felt a major light and shift. I literally felt the angels lift me up. Carry the weight, carry the Lonlieness, carry my grief. Give me hope. I felt peace for the first time in a long. I trusted. I believed.